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not just out of objectiveness or hope. no no no.
I knew about everything rotten from the start. I gave my word. And to this day i'm still unable to love another. i've tried and failed a dozen times. . . (likely 14)
But through all the torment. through all the dissapointment and jealousy. . . I didn't remain hers because I didn't know, or only suspected.
I did so because i gave my word. And were circumstances different, that word would have lasted till my death.
She was the first one i let into my heart.
She also, was the last.
And to be honest. . . If she wouldn't have spared me (and she did do this, quite mercifuly) by saying it was too much, that I would be such an angel when she didn't deserve a kind word. That's all i had to give, was kind words.
She pushed me away, finally, by forcing me to blame her for everything through some drastic means. I shortly thereafter forgave and walked away. But from the time i met her, till only recently. . . Unconditionally, and unyeildingly, i was devoted to her. Though I had to stand afar and watch from a distance. . . Whenever she fell, i was there, and helped her to her feet, only to walk away again.
She is 40% of the reason i dislike anything australian. It -all- makes me see her face. It's only recently i've stopped dreaming alltogether. When i did, I couldn't sleep because it was of her. I -made- her my life. 150%. That's the only way i've ever known how to love. Without hinges, conditions, or boundaries. I gave till it hurt, then more, and more. . . I'd have done anything -anything- she asked me. no matter how odd, trivial, or monumentally impossible. I would at least attempt it. She never asked me for a thing. . . She only told me she loved me 6 times in the entire relationship. . . But each time, it was as though renewed vigor had coursed through me, and I was able to wait an eternity again, just to be near her. To this day, I was the Last person she ever played. I was the one to change her life. . . And -he- is the one who gets to be with her. What petty justice of the gods. . . What greivous sins I must have been conspiring in past lives. . . To have known only one way to love. . . The most devastating way imaginable. . . With all your heart and soul. That is what killed me. . . Perhaps I was the strong one between my friend and I. . . He too never understood how one could be so devoted to a pipedream. Still this old ghost remains trapped within it's corporeal cage. . . and still I wonder what I could have done to anger the gods so. . . To have such a tempest walk into my life, and destroy it thuroughly.
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CHAO BBS
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